


Mirror, mirror...

by lunasenzanotte



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Crack, Dwarves, Fairy Tale Retellings, M/M, Magic, Real Madrid CF, Snow White Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 12:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3250160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasenzanotte/pseuds/lunasenzanotte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>King Cristiano is the fairest of them all, but he feels threatened by his step-son, James. Meanwhile, in a kingdom far far away, a young prince has to find a wife - but he isn't very much into princesses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirror, mirror...

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is fairest of them all?”  
  
The mirror cracked one eye open and looked at Cristiano. “When will you finally learn to call me by my name?” it groaned angrily.  
  
“Fine!” Cristiano barked. “Um... Messi, Messi, on the wall, who is fairest of them all?”  
  
“You. I told you ten minutes ago. Would you finally let me sleep?”  
  
Cristiano grinned and adjusted the crown on his head. The mirror was a grumpy, annoying thing, but as long as it complimented him a few times a day, he would be keeping it.  
  
*  
  
Cristiano was sitting on the terrace that overlooked the immense garden of the palace. He had a parasol of course, to keep his skin perfect, and a cup of green tea on the table, because it was good for the skin.  
  
He was desperately trying to resist the urge to run to the mirror. He did see the mirror about an hour ago, but it seemed like a terribly long time to him. However, Carlo, his advisor, told him that his obsession with the mirror was becoming unhealthy, and the word ‘unhealthy’ sounded dangerous, so he was determined not to go to see the mirror for at least one hour more.  
  
Below the terrace, the king’s step-son, James, was plucking flowers. Cristiano scoffed at the sight. He didn’t understand what the activity was good for. The dirt couldn’t be healthy for the hands and it got under the nails and was so difficult to get out.  
  
Cristiano finished his tea and got up. Carlo could think whatever he wanted, he needed to see the mirror now.  
  
“My king,” James’ voice sounded next to him.  
  
“What?” Cristiano asked, annoyed because he wanted to see the mirror already.  
  
“These are for you,” the young prince said with a smile, handing Cristiano the flowers.  
  
“Oh. Well. Thank you.”  
  
He didn’t really know what the flowers would be good for, but they were really beautiful, so he took them. James smiled again. “Their beauty made me think of you,” he said.  
  
Cristiano wasn’t impressed; he got hundreds of compliments like that every day. But he still took the flowers to his chambers because... oh well, he was already holding them, wasn’t he?  
  
*  
  
Cristiano closed the door carefully, ran a finger over his eyebrows to make sure no hair was out of place, and stood before the mirror. “Mir...”  
  
The mirror hissed warningly.  
  
“Messi, Messi, on the wall, who is fairest of them all?”  
  
“Oh, well,” the mirror replied cheerfully. “You are quite good looking, yes. But Cristiano, please, have you seen that wrinkle on your forehead?”  
  
“WHAT?” Cristiano cried and approached the mirror. “I don’t have wrinkles!”  
  
“If you think so...” the mirror said and fell silent.  
  
“Well, then if you say I am not the fairest...” Cristiano said. “Who do you think is more beautiful than I am?”  
  
“Erm... have you looked at James lately or have you gone completely blind?”  
  
Cristiano roared and threw an eye-lash curler at the mirror.  
  
“Ow,” the mirror said. “That hurt.”  
  
Cristiano didn’t pay any attention to it anymore. “Iker!” he shouted. “Iker! Casillas! Where is the damn huntsman?”  
  
The door opened and the huntsman ran in. “My lord,” Iker said, catching his breath. “May I be of any assistance?”  
  
“You have to!” Cristiano barked. “You are my servant.”  
  
“Of course, my lord,” Iker nodded. “What do you want me to do?”  
  
“I want you...” Cristiano said and narrowed his eyes. “To take James to the woods, and kill him!”  
  
Iker gulped. “You mean... the prince?”  
  
“Yes, I mean the prince!” Cristiano said. “And...” He took a golden box off a shelf and handed it to Iker. “You will bring me his heart as a proof that you killed him,” he added. “Then you will be richly rewarded.”  
  
“My lord...” Iker whispered.  
  
“And I will send Keylor to feed the pigs instead of hunting.”  
  
That Iker couldn’t say ‘no’ to.  
  
*  
  
The forest was dark and dangerous, but Iker knew it well. He knew the places to avoid and the best places to hunt deer, he knew the places to rest and the ones children could play at.  
  
He stopped by a stream hidden among fern and flowers. He had chosen the most beautiful place he knew. He knew there was no good place for death, but he at least wanted to make sure the last thing James would see would be something beautiful.  
  
His heart was breaking for the young prince, for he genuinely liked him like the rest of the kingdom. The way James trusted him made things even harder. Iker tried to picture Keylor feeding the pigs, but it wasn’t helping much.  
  
He watched James settle among the anemones and splash water in his face, a thing Cristiano would never do. He always used carefully prepared potions to wash his face. Iker sighed, pulled out his hunting knife and approached James carefully.  
  
Not carefully enough, it proved, for James saw his reflection in the water.  
  
“Iker?” he asked and looked at the huntsman.  
  
In that moment Iker knew he would burn in hell for this. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking hold of the boy now to make sure he wouldn’t run away. “But the king asked me to do this.”  
  
“The king?” James repeated and in that moment he looked like he almost preferred to die.  
  
“He asked me to kill you and bring him your heart in a golden box.”  
  
James looked up at him with round, scared, pleading eyes, and hell, how was Iker going to kill him now?  
  
He pushed James to the ground and lifted the hand with his knife, closing his eyes and roaring to encourage himself. When the roar died away, he opened his eyes. James was still lying on the carpet of anemones, eyes squeezed shut, and Iker’s hand was still up in the air because he simply couldn’t bring himself to stab the poor boy in the heart.  
  
When moments passed and nothing happened, James dared to open his eyes and look at Iker. “Iker?” he whispered.  
  
“Fuck,” Iker swore.  
  
“Don’t kill me, please.”  
  
Hell, he’d be more likely to kill a puppy after that.  
  
“Please, I’ll run away, I won’t come back to the castle ever again, just let me live...”  
  
Well, they might get away with that after all. Cristiano wasn’t likely to go searching through the woods. And well, as Iker knew the forest, the wild animals would kill James soon enough. Not that he wasn’t sorry about it, but at least he wouldn’t be the one to kill him. “Alright,” he said and put the knife back. “Run away. But don’t come back, or we will both die.”  
  
He watched James disappear in the woods and thought that he was probably in big trouble.  
  
*  
  
In a kingdom far, far away, a young prince was arguing with his two royal fathers. King Miroslav was really worried about the prince not being married yet, nor having a princess whose hand he could ask for. The prince wasn’t very interested in princesses overall, courting them annoyed him and he wasn’t keen on slaying dragons with the sole purpose of getting married. King Thomas... well, he found the whole matter very amusing.  
  
“I will find a princess myself!” the prince protested.  
  
“No,” king Miroslav said resolutely. “Last time you found yourself a princess, she had a beard and she was called Mats.”  
  
“That was just a... um... misunderstanding.”  
  
“What part exactly did you misunderstand, the beard or the name?” king Thomas asked with an amused smirk.  
  
Prince Toni pouted and looked at the two kings defyingly. “Fine, if I don’t find a princess this time, I will marry the first one you show me,” he said. “But now I’m going to look for one myself.” He walked out of the hall resolutely, ignoring the two kings’ skeptical looks.  
  
“He will come back with a guy again,” king Miroslav said.  
  
“Definitely,” king Thomas nodded.  
  
*  
  
King Cristiano was waiting impatiently for the huntsman’s return. He ignored the mirror, which was still offended after he had thrown the curler at it, and preferred to look out at the garden.  
  
It did look kind of sad and empty without James.  _Well, I could for example place a statue there, it wouldn’t be a big deal,_  Cristiano berated himself.  
  
Finally Iker appeared by the gate. Cristiano hurried to the main hall. Iker approached him, carrying the golden box, and bowed deeply before the king.  
  
“Did you do everything I asked from you, Iker?” Cristiano asked.  
  
“Yes, my lord,” Iker said and cringed, which luckily Cristiano couldn’t see for Iker’s head was still down.  
  
“And the heart? Do you have it?”  
  
“It’s here, my lord,” Iker said and handed the box to Cristiano.  
  
He had hoped Cristiano wouldn’t open it, but the king was mistrustful. He opened the box and looked at the heart in it for a long time. When Iker was already convinced Cristiano saw through the deception, he closed the lid again and smiled. “Very well, huntsman!” he said. “From now on, you are my only one huntsman, the lord of my forests!” He turned to a servant standing by the door. “Send Keylor to feed the pigs, we won’t be needing him anymore!” he ordered.  
  
Then he went back to his chambers, carrying the box that contained a deer’s heart, carefully.  
  
*  
  
James ran as far as he could. He was afraid and didn’t know where to go, but he was even more afraid of Cristiano finding him, so he just kept on running.  
  
Suddenly a house appeared in front of him, and he approached it carefully. It looked empty, but he still knocked on the door because he was polite. When no one came out, he pushed the handle down and walked in. He felt bad breaking in someone’s home like that, but he was tired and hungry. He had some money in his pockets too, so he was determined to pay the owned of the house later.  
  
The house was neat and clean and there was food on the table. James could count seven plates and seven cups, and there were seven beds standing against the wall. He was really hungry and thirsty, so he ate the contents of one of the plates and drank one cup of wine. He washed his face in the bucket he found and dried his face with a towel. Out of habit, he took a comb and combed his hair. Then he found the bed that looked the most comfortable out of them all and soon fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
The seven masters of the house came back when it was already dark. They worked in the mines close to the house and were already looking forward to their dinner.  
  
When they walked in, they knew immediately something wasn’t right.  
  
“Someone ate my dinner!” Illarra complained, looking at his plate sadly.  
  
“Someone drank my wine!” Marcelo added.  
  
“Someone used my comb!” Fábio whined.  
  
“My towel!” Jesé cried out.  
  
“And my toothbrush... wait, no, my mistake,” Pepe mumbled.  
  
“Well, that’s all quite tragic, but I have someone in my bed,” Isco stated.  
  
“Isco wins!” Karim announced.  
  
In that moment, James woke up and looked at the seven boys looking at him curiously.  
  
“What are you doing in my bed?” Isco asked, obviously annoyed.  
  
“I’m... I’m very sorry!” James said. “I didn’t mean to cause you any troubles. I’m James, the prince from the castle of Bernabeu. The king ordered his huntsman to kill me, but the man took pity on me. I had to run away, though, and I came across your house. I was tired and hungry, so I ate a bit of your food and drank a bit of your wine, and I fell asleep. I have some money on me, so I will pay you back.”  
  
“Nah, we don’t need money,” Karim said. “We dig diamonds in the mines.”  
  
“But we can’t eat diamonds, and he ate my dinner!” Illarra frowned and folded his arms. “I don’t want him to stay.”  
  
“But what happened to him is very sad,” Fábio whispered.  
  
“And it’s dark outside. If we have to throw him out, let’s at least do it in the morning,” Jesé nodded.  
  
“Well, you’re saying that because he’s not in your bed!” Isco kicked him.  
  
“I quite like him, I’d keep him,” Marcelo said.  
  
“He’s not a pet, Marcelo,” Pepe growled. “Can he be useful to us?”  
  
“I could keep your house,” James offered. “If you work all day in the mines, you must be tired when you come home.”  
  
“Even more when we find out someone’s ate our dinner,” Illarra said and Jesé put a hand over his mouth to make him shut up.  
  
“Well, we could use that,” Karim nodded. “I say let’s see how he does.”  
  
“Alright,” Isco gave in finally. “Move over. At least I won’t be cold at night.”  
  
“But I’ll still be hungry,” Illarra mumbled.  
  
*  
  
“So, you stupid mirror!” Cristiano said contentedly. “Now I’m the most beautiful person on Earth and you can’t say a word against it!”  
  
“Oh, well,” the mirror smirked. “But I didn’t really mean it when I said James was more beautiful than you.”  
  
Cristiano blinked. “What?”  
  
“Yeah, he’s not that pretty actually, I think your cheekbones are a bit more defined and he should take better care of his eyebrows.”  
  
“Then... then why the hell did you say it?” Cristiano yelled.  
  
“I just wanted some drama!” the mirror whined. “Do you know how boring it is to hang on the wall all the time, answering the same question for hundreds of years?”  
  
“You... you stupid piece of glass!” Cristiano shouted. “I had James killed because you wanted drama?”  
  
“Nah, don’t be silly,” the mirror yawned. “Just look at your huntsman, does he look like he’d kill him? He fooled you... not that it was too difficult to do.”  
  
“So... so James lives?” Cristiano asked.  
  
“Yes. And he’s a lucky guy, dammit. Living with seven boys, I wouldn’t say no to that. The one that he shares the bed with is cute as hell.”  
  
Cristiano was furious. “Carlo!” he yelled. “Carlo!”  
  
The advisor came running in the room. “Your majesty?” he asked.  
  
“Take this stupid mirror off the wall and throw it in the attic!” Cristiano ordered. “And send Iker to feed the pigs. Keylor is my new huntsman! And find me the place where seven boys live!”  
  
Carlo honestly thought the king has gone mad for good, but he bowed deeply before him and called the guards to take the mirror off the wall.  
  
“You’ll miss me!” the mirror yelled.  
  
“Not in your wildest dreams!” Cristiano yelled back.  
  
*  
  
Cristiano was pacing around the room. Carlo did everything he wanted, threw the mirror in the attic, sent Iker to feed the pigs and also found out that indeed there was a house where seven boys lived, deep in the woods, close to the diamond mines.  
  
Only that now there was a minor problem. The mirror did say that Cristiano was the fairest of them all, but only by a bit more defined cheekbones and better eyebrows. He knew there was nothing easier than to pluck your eyebrows (well, to pluck them the right way was actually tricky, but not impossible), and what if James lost a bit of weight and got the defined cheekbones? Deep in the woods with seven hungry miners, it didn’t sound unrealistic at all.  
  
He needed to be sure. He needed James dead.  
  
For a while he was contemplating letting Keylor go to the woods and kill him, but then he remembered Iker and discarded the idea. One stupid huntsman was enough. He needed to be absolutely sure that the boy was dead.  
  
He had to do it himself.  
  
*  
  
Prince Toni was fed up with looking for princesses already. He went to two kingdoms already, but with no success. One princess was ugly and dumb, and the other was three years old. Which didn’t sound that bad, because he’d have plenty of time before she grew up enough to be married off, but then, when he imagined himself as a nearly forty years old king, he wasn’t sure he’d feel like putting up with some teenage girl’s moods.  
  
This kingdom, as he’s heard from the very talkative guests of an inn in the capital, had a king, a very beautiful one, who however was a widower and didn’t want to get married again – not that it interested Toni, of course, he was a man. And curiously, it had a prince as well, the king’s step-son, also very beautiful (and some of the more drunken ones were courageous enough to whisper that he maybe was more beautiful than the king), who mysteriously disappeared. Not that it interested Toni either, because the prince was – yes, a man.  
  
But a bit of adventure always sounded better than marriage, so Toni listened carefully to the story. It seemed like the last place the prince was seen was the forest. Toni decided to go there in the morning.  
  
Just for the adventure, of course.  
  
*  
  
In Cristiano’s opinion, the disguise was perfect. He wished he could ask the mirror for its opinion, but the mirror was still in the attic and he was determined not to talk to it until he was sure he was the fairest of them all.  
  
He adjusted the fake nose he had put on, and adjusted his cape so that only the nose peeked out of it. He looked one last time at the pot of poisoned hair gel. He was famous for his gel and all the kingdom liked to copy his style. All the kingdom including James. Cristiano was sure he’d fall in his trap in no time.  
  
*  
  
James was just washing the dishes the boys left after breakfast when someone knocked on the door. James dried his hands and tiptoed to the door carefully. “Who is it?” he asked.  
  
“I’m just a poor merchant,” a weird voice answered. “Don’t you want to buy anything?”  
  
“No, thank you,” James replied politely. “I don’t need anything.”  
  
“But I have everything! Pancake pans, flower pots, Bibles, hair gel...”  
  
“Hair gel!?” James exclaimed.  
  
“Sure, darling, top quality!” Cristiano replied, grinning under his cape.  
  
The door opened ajar and Cristiano breathed out a sigh of relief. James’ eyebrows were still bad enough and he seemed chubby enough for his cheekbones not to protrude too much. Cristiano reached in his basket and pulled out the pot of hair gel. “As I said, top quality. You wouldn’t make the spikes flat with a hammer. Used by the hardest punks in this kingdom and beyond.”  
  
James hesitated and looked at Cristiano sheepishly. “But... I don’t have any money.”  
  
Cristiano let out a condescending chuckle. “Well, sweetie, don’t worry about it! Its expiration date is nearing anyway, I probably wouldn’t sell it to anyone and the inspection would fine me. Take it for free.”  
  
“Really?” James’ face lit up.  
  
The miners were nice people, but they knew nothing about fashion and style. Illarra’s hair was a disaster, Fábio’s hair had a life of its own, Marcelo couldn’t get any comb through his, and Pepe always shaved his hair off as soon as it became visible.  
  
“Of course,” Cristiano nodded. “If you just gave me a glass of water, I’m really thirsty.”  
  
James hurried to bring him the water. Cristiano looked around the house. The seven beds were made meticulously and there was a delicious smell coming from the pots on the stove.  
  
“Here,” James said and handed Cristiano the water.  
  
Cristiano took it, then remembered his manicured nails, and quickly turned around. “Don’t you want to try the gel?” he asked.  
  
“Sure!” James said, opened the pot and stood in front of the mirror.  
  
Cristiano watched anxiously as James applied the gel to his hair. Then he fell to the floor. Cristiano rubbed his hands together. The magic was working. Apparently the classes he had taken with the Black Wizard Mourinho were good for something.  
  
He took his basket and sneaked out of the house, already imagining how he would challenge the mirror this time.  
  
*  
  
The seven masters of the house returned sooner than usual because it got dark too soon. When they entered the house, they immediately knew something was wrong. There was the awful smell of the burnt food, and then they saw James on the floor, not moving at all. They were horrified. Fábio started to cry and Pepe kicked a stool.  
  
“We must bury him,” Karim, the most reasonable one, said quietly.  
  
“What is this disgusting stuff on his hair, though?” Pepe asked.  
  
“True,” Illarra made a face. “We can’t bury him like this.”  
  
Isco got up and brought a bucket of water. He washed James’ hair gently, almost reverently. When the last drop of the gel was gone, suddenly James opened his eyes and looked at the seven boys.  
  
“We thought you were dead!” Jesé exclaimed.  
  
“What happened?” Karim asked.  
  
“An old merchant came here, and sold me some hair gel...” James said.  
  
“Oh, you stupid... silly... whatever!” Isco said and pulled him into a hug. “Of course the merchant was nobody else than the king in disguise!”  
  
“How do you know?” James asked.  
  
“Well, who else has a huge supply of hair gel in this kingdom?” Marcelo made a face.  
  
“You mustn’t open the door to anyone from now on,” Pepe said resolutely. “Surely he will come again and try to kill you!”  
  
James looked really upset. He couldn’t believe the ugly merchant was the king, and even less did he understand why the king wanted him dead so badly.  
  
He spent the rest of the night crying on Isco’s shoulder.  
  
*  
  
Cristiano had his servants bring the mirror from the attic and he stood proudly in front of it. “Messi, Messi, on the wall, who is fairest of them all? Eh? Who is fairest now, you dumb shiny thing?” he mocked.  
  
“Ha ha ha,” the mirror groaned in annoyance. “Careful who you call dumb. That disguise was really awful, by the way. I’m surprised the boy fell for it.”  
  
“Well, but the plan worked,” Cristiano grinned.  
  
“Not really,” the mirror retorted. “James is still alive, for your information.”  
  
“But... the gel...”  
  
“Unfortunately for you, the boy that sleeps with James had the idea of washing it off his hair.”  
  
Cristiano cursed. This couldn’t be true! But he knew the mirror wouldn’t lie to him. It called for some more black magic.  
  
*  
  
James was washing the floor when he heard someone knock on the door. He was determined to pretend that nobody was home this time.  
  
“Hello?” a high-pitched voice called from the outside. “Is anyone there?”  
  
 _It’s a woman_ , James thought.  _It surely isn’t the king._  
  
“Who are you?” he called.  
  
“I’m just a poor woman,” the woman replied. “I sell trinkets and jewels. Don’t you want to have a look?”  
  
“Thank you, but I’m not allowed to let anyone in,” James said.  
  
“Oh, well, you don’t have to let me in, I can show you through the window, sweetheart,” the woman said sweetly.  
  
James looked out of the window. The woman pulled out a shiny ring and showed it to him.  
  
“It’s really beautiful,” James said. “But I don’t have any money to buy it.”  
  
“Oh,” the woman said. “Then at least try it on.”  
  
She handed him the ring through the window. James slipped it on his finger and fell to the floor.  
  
“Well, that will be it,” the woman said. “You owe me, Cristiano.”  
  
*  
  
The seven boys shrieked in horror when they found James on the floor again. They checked his hair but there was nothing wrong with it this time.  
  
“I told him not to let anyone in,” Pepe growled.  
  
“But what could have happened to him?” Fábio sniffled.  
  
Even Isco looked helpless this time.  
  
“We must bury him,” Karim said, and Pepe mumbled something about a morbid obsession with burying people.  
  
“What is that thing, though?” Marcelo asked, pointing at the shiny ring on James’ finger.  
  
“I don’t know, but it looks awful,” Illarra snorted. “We can’t bury him with such ugly thing.” He knelt down next to James and slipped the ring off his finger. In that moment, James opened his eyes and looked at them.  
  
“We told you not to open the door to anyone!” Isco exclaimed and hugged him.  
  
“But... it was a woman this time!” James objected.  
  
“Well, the next time don’t open the door not even to a dog!” Pepe said.  
  
“Yes. Because the food is burnt again and it’s the second time we go to sleep hungry,” Illarra mumbled.  
  
*  
  
“Sending your friend, the Black Witch Irina, that was a clever trick,” the mirror said when Cristiano stood before it.  
  
“Wasn’t it?” Cristiano smiled proudly.  
  
“Unfortunately, it didn’t work again,” the mirror laughed. “You could have made a more stylish ring, then maybe the constantly hungry boy wouldn’t want to remove it.”  
  
Cristiano roared in anger. This called for something really wicked. It called for the Black Wizard Mourinho himself.  
  
*  
  
James barely cut the vegetables when there was a knock on the door.  _This time, I won’t open the door,_  he thought.  
  
“Hello!” someone called outside. “Is anyone there?”  
  
James kept quiet and hid under the table.  
  
“I got lost and need help!” the person called again.  
  
 _Well, that’s unfortunate, but I can’t open the door,_  James thought.  _What if it’s the king again?_  
  
The person kept knocking for a while, but then gave up and James heard the steps going away from the house. Only when the forest was silent again, he dared to open the door. There was no-one, but there was a basket by the door.  
  
 _Surely the poor man forgot it here when he was knocking,_ James thought.  
  
There was not much in the basket, just a slice of bread, some nuts and an apple. But oh, wasn’t the apple beautiful! Crimson red and shiny, and it smelled deliciously.  
  
 _I can’t eat it,_  James thought.  _It belongs to the man._  
  
He left it on the table and went back to cooking. But he was thirsty and the apple looked so tempting. The apples in the forest were small and sour, and James craved a sweet, juicy apple like the ones he used to eat in the palace.  
  
 _Well, surely the man won’t come back now,_  he thought and bit into the apple.  
  
He fell to the floor, dead.  
  
*  
  
The seven boys knew immediately something terrible had happened when nobody opened the door after they knocked. Pepe kicked the door out and they stormed in.  
  
James was lying on the floor, unmoving and pale. Trying not to panic, Isco checked his hair and also looked for suspicious jewelry. But there was nothing to find.  
  
Then their eyes fell on the apple on the floor.  
  
“Well, that’s what he got for eating things that he wasn’t supposed to eat!” Illarra said, but even his voice was raw with tears.  
  
There was no way to get the poison out of James’ body now. Fábio fell on his bed and started sobbing loudly. Marcelo dug his fingers in his hair and Jesé threw the poisoned apple out of the window in rage.  
  
“We must bury him,” Karim said.  
  
This time, they agreed. They built a glass coffin, for James was too beautiful to be buried in a wooden one, and they brought it outside so that the whole world, all the birds and animals, could see James’ beauty for the last time.  
  
*  
  
“So?” Cristiano barked at the mirror.  
  
“Congratulations,” the mirror said in a gloomy voice. “You’re the fairest of them all.”  
  
“You mean...”  
  
“The boy is dead,” the mirror replied. “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”  
  
“Yes,” Cristiano nodded, but suddenly he didn’t feel as happy as he thought he would.  
  
*  
  
Prince Toni was just walking through the forest and he was already fed up with everything. Looking for princesses sucked, and looking for the lost prince was useless anyway as he was a man and his fathers would kill him if he brought a man to their palace again.  
  
Suddenly he heard someone crying. He stopped and listened closely, then followed the voice. Finally he arrived to a clearing where seven boys were crying, gathered around a glass coffin. Toni approached them carefully.  
  
The boy in the coffin was the most beautiful person Toni has ever seen, and no, it wasn’t creepy at all. He didn’t even look like he was dead, rather asleep. “What did he die of?” he asked the weeping boys.  
  
“Poison,” Isco said.  
  
“Stupidity,” Illarra said at the same time.  
  
Toni thought for a while. “Sell me that coffin,” he said then. “I will give you anything you want for it.”  
  
Pepe gave him a death stare. “Dude, what are you, a pervert who buys dead people?” he asked.  
  
“N-no,” Toni stuttered. “I mean... I... I am a prince myself, and I see this boy had to be a prince as well.”  
  
“He was,” Isco nodded.  
  
“Well, I mean... the coffin is beautiful and all, but... he doesn’t deserve to be buried here in the forest and forgotten. I mean... he should have a funeral and a tomb worth a prince. I will give it to him.”  
  
The boys looked at each other. Karim nodded hesitantly and Marcelo hugged Isco, who was the only one not willing to part with the coffin.  
  
“All right, prince,” Karim said then. “We will help you carry it.”  
  
They put the coffin on their shoulders and started towards the city. Suddenly, Illarra stumbled on some stone and the coffin jumped on his shoulder. This dislodged the piece of poisoned apple from James’ throat and he opened his eyes. “Good heavens, where am I?” he cried.  
  
Toni looked at him and said joyfully: “You are with me! I love you more than anything in the world! Come with me to my fathers’ castle and be my husband?”  
  
James looked at the boys. “Who is this mad guy?” he asked.  
  
“A perv,” Pepe groaned.  
  
“I’m prince Toni from the Kingdom of Bayern,” Toni said. “I’m here to find a wife, but I’d rather have a husband. When I saw you, I knew you were the one.”  
  
James sighed deeply. “Thank you for your honesty and kind words, Prince Toni,” he said. “But my heart belongs to another man.”  
  
Toni looked heartbroken. Isco patted him on the shoulder for he looked so miserable, and even Pepe mumbled something in the sense of “man up, perv”.  
  
“I must go now,” James said.  
  
“Where to?” Jesé asked.  
  
“To the palace,” James said.  
  
*  
  
“Messi, Messi, on the wall, who is fairest of them all?”  
  
“You are the fairest, my king.”  
  
Cristiano shook his head and tried to remember whether he cleaned his ears properly that morning, because the mirror answered him in James’ voice. “Messi?” he asked, frightened.  
  
“You always were the fairest, and always will be. At least for me.”  
  
“Stop messing with me, Messi!” Cristiano shrieked.  
  
“I’m not doing anything!” the mirror objected. “I was just happy someone else answered you once.”  
  
Cristiano turned around and gasped. James was standing at the door, more alive and beautiful than ever. “James?” he breathed out.  
  
“I know you wanted to kill me,” James said. “But being away from you was worse than dying. If you want me dead, I’m here for you to kill me, if you want me ugly, I’m ready to mar my face, but please, don’t send me away any more, my king. I love you more than anything.”  
  
Cristiano just stood there, completely speechless.  
  
“Well, say something, you dumb idiot!” the mirror hissed.  
  
“Well, I... um... I’m sorry?” Cristiano said. “For trying to kill you. I mean, I did try to kill you, but... I really felt bad about it, if that’s an excuse. And... then I realized that my life was somehow empty without you.”  
  
“So you will let me stay?” James asked hopefully.  
  
“Yes,” Cristiano nodded. “Carlo?”  
  
“My king?” Carlo asked, rushing in.  
  
“Prepare the prince’s chambers! Prepare the wedding! Send the pigs to feed Iker and Keylor! Immediately!”  
  
“Yes, my king,” Carlo nodded and ran out of the chamber. He stopped in his tracks when the king’s last wish registered in his mind, but then he just shrugged. He had heard stranger orders, after all.  
  
*  
  
“Well, son, when you were leaving, Thomas and I were convinced you’d come back with a man...” King Miro said and looked at his husband.  
  
King Thomas was in hysterics on the throne next to him.  
  
“But with SEVEN?”  
  
*  
  
“Messi, Messi, on the wall, who is fairest of them all?” Cristiano asked and looked at James standing next to him in his white wedding suit.  
  
“Oh well,” Messi said. “To be honest... I can’t really decide. Nope. I’ll just go with the two of you.”  
  
Cristiano and James exchanged loving looks and kissed.  
  
“Couple of idiots,” Messi sighed and then fell asleep forever.  
  
THE END


End file.
